Glazed over

The last few weeks I've felt very detached from my body. As if I were just going through the motions of life without really feeling or thinking about it anymore. I'm having conflicting feelings about my new job. On one hand, its all muscle memory and it takes little effort to get back into the swing of things. But on the other hand, I am not really excited about doing any of it. But at the same time, would I be excited about doing any sort of job. Why the fuck do I care so much about a fucking job? Why can't I be like everyone else and just fucking do my job; then go home and have a life? What the fuck is wrong with me? I feel dizzy. I've felt dizzy and kinda woozy a lot recently. So any new job is going to do the same for me. Its going to make me frustrated and annoyed at people. So why do a job where "all I do is serve coffee" when I could do something "better"... I don't know what the fuck is going on inside my head anymore. Its a mess of junk in there. Whole thing should be cleaned out. Format the whole worthless thing and start over. To hell with it all. I give up. I don't care. Why can't I be satisfied with that answer? I'm too fucking idealistic. Clinging to this stupid dream that I might find a job that makes me feel worthwhile in life... fucking moron. Just suck it up and work you loser. I hate summer. Go to sleep you loser. Stop thinking so much. You'll only think yourself deeper into depression.

Anger

Sometimes I want to hurl my cell phone across the room to watch it shatter into a million pieces.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to drift into the oncoming lane.
Sometimes I cut myself and wonder how it happened.
Sometimes I hit my pillow.
Sometimes I give in to road rage.
Sometimes I get the urge to hit something.
Sometimes I bite my finger and wonder if I'll puncture the skin.
Sometimes I drive fast because I'm angry.
Sometimes I think how stupid I am for doing this.
Sometimes I forget what I am.

What the hell am I?

Recipe: BBQ Chicken Quesadillas

Ingredients

• Tortillas
• Chicken
• BBQ rub or spices
• Pepperjack cheese
• Cheddar cheese

Preparation
Wash your chicken, and rub in or season the chicken with the spices. Fry or grill it up. Slice up the chicken into little strips or bit-sized pieces. Put those aside for now. Grate up the cheddar cheese and the pepper-jack cheese; mix the two cheeses together. Make like you're making normal quesadillas. Add the chicken, and sprinkle in some of the spices. Cook like a normal quesadilla. And enjoy!

Old habits die hard

Today was my first real shift; it wasn't so much a shift as it was supposed to be training. However, it all kinda came back to me as I stood there. So aside from the new crap drinks like Carmel Freddos and other such sugar-injections, re-learning all the damn scones, and learning the layout of the new store, I blended right it. Old habits really do die hard. I kept reaching to locations where things are in the Lafayette store, like the garbage, the pastry bags, the cups, and such.
Its amazing how little I've forgotten. I was able to hop onto a register and generally stumble my way around. Things have changed slightly, but not to any degree where I can't figure it out.
Old baristas never die, they just fade away...

Weekend events

So I've been quiet since Friday. Mostly been mulling over my job change, as well as making efforts to change my general life patterns. It'll be nice to get into a place that has a real sized kitchen. I'll be hanging out in there a lot.
Wedding
Last Saturday (the 14th) was Tina's sister's wedding; and Tina wanted Ngoc & I to go so that she didn't feel totally alone. I think it was more for Paul's sake than for Tina's, because she was busy with the whole wedding event thing. But its fine; they stuffed us in a back corner, and we all just kinda sat around, chatted and such. It was good to see folks again. I did have to wear dress-up clothes, but I tried to get past that. Twice before the food started coming out, as the place started to fill up (mind you Paul & I were the only white people, and probably the only non-Vietnamese, people in sight), twice a waitress came over to our table with a handful (and I do mean a handful, probably about 10 total) of forks. Twice. Now I, being one to not refuse technological advances when they're offered, happily secured a fork for myself. I'm a member of the school of thought that believes that having a multi-pronged instrument is more practical for eating than trying to use two sticks, but to each his own. So we got a good laugh about someone sending over the forks to the white-guy table. Haha. Cute.
So Paul & I had Ngoc do a lot of the translating for us, but, much to our table's surprise, a lot of the speakers spoke in both Vietnamese and English. I'm not sure if they were doing that just for us two white guys, or if that's part of the American influence.
So the wedding went like this: we arrived, and kinda stood around for a bit. Ngoc signed herself in (since I'm "guest") and she & I got escorted to our table. We sat there at our own for a bit talking, and then Paul came over. We talked with Paul for a bit, and then Minh Chau & Quang (not sure about that spelling, but I bet its not spelled "Kwang" like my English schooling would suggest) arrived. The room filled up (the fork incident occurred) and then the newly weds arrived. They milled around up at the stage area for a bit, while the room continued to talk and ignored the people on stage speaking (or so it appeared, but perhaps Vietnamese have a different way of listening than we do). The first thing that happened was the MC started to thank all the people that came, and the camera dude would point his video camera at the table, and people would clap. Now, I noticed that, amidst the applause, there was some cheering and whistling sounds (like what you'd hear at a concert or sports event). I asked Ngoc if anyone in this room would cheer and whistle, and she said no. It seemed a bit farfetched to be cheering and whistling. As the "thanks" went on (and yes they did go on, for quite a while), I noticed a particularly loud whistle that always occurred about 3 seconds into the applause. And as the MC went on, the people got less important, and so the room applauded less. However, this whistle continued un-affected by the importance of the people it was whistling for. I leaned over to Paul: "I think they have an applause track that the DJ is playing." I told Ngoc & she passed it down. We all agreed that they did have a fake applause track. Tacky? To me most certainly, but I don't want to pass judgement. Maybe they all like that extra "oomf" that an audio track adds.
The wedding party sat down, and they started playing really loud music. They had some professional singers, singing under the guise of being a karaoke singer, but he certainly was not just an average Joe singing karaoke.
The food started to arrive, a total of about 7 courses I think. They weren't large, and they were "family-style" for you white folks who're in the dark about Vietnamese food. One thing I noticed through all 7 or so courses, was that nearly all the food was rather slimy. A lot of Vietnamese food is seafood based, so we had stuff like sea cucumber, and such. The only food that wasn't slimy was the roasted quail. When I saw those, I thought, "there's not enough meat on there to feed a hamster", and I was right. I didn't eat one for the above reason, but both Ngoc & Paul did. Paul made his dance, since it was a whole quail carcass. Ngoc ate the bits of meat off the legs, and didn't bother with the body; probably a good idea, since there's little meat there anyway. So this quail thing got me thinking: why would anyone want to cook a quail in the first place? They're such small birds. It'd be like cooking a pigeon (without all the disease and filth). And also, isn't it illegal to cook and eat the state bird? I recall there being some laws against picking a poppy, the state flower. So other than the quail the rest of the food was good. Slimy, but edible.
The wedding party then goes around to each table, and the bride & groom at supposed to thank each table for coming. That's all fine and dandy, but when your DJs gonna be playing music at dance club volume, and you're going around speaking to each table, you're gonna have to shout (or use a voice amplification device). The bride seems to have done most of the talking, at least at our table. Now when I saw her approaching, I saw she was carrying a microphone. Now normally this device does fall under the "voice amplification device" category, but they seemed to have this one switched off. Lord only knows why. So she talked. None of us heard her. We all smiled. One of the Vietnamese guys (my apologies for not remember their names. I'm recalling this as an observer rather than a participant) stood up, and the bride passed the microphone to him. He spoke. No one heard. We all smiled. He passed the deceased microphone to the cameraman, and the party moved on, presumably to repeat the ritual at subsequent tables. As it turns out, this microphone isn't supposed to work. Its all just for the camera... now, why in the world would you ever have a microphone in a place that needs a microphone, and only have it as a prop for the camera? Its beyond me.
So the evening went on. More loud music. The food ended, they turned the lights off and revealed the dance floor. They cranked the music up, and people started dancing. Ngoc & I slipped out a back door so we didn't have to weave our way back to the front. And so ended the evening. All in all, interesting, but not unpleasant. But it would probably be unbearable if I had to be there by myself. Its not really a wedding format that appeals to me, obviously, because its not what I grew up with. And I'm definitely lucky, as Ngoc does not like this form of a wedding ceremony either. Too much red, and loud music and stuff. I'm very lucky to have her. She's beautiful, and she's okay with having a more American style wedding.
First Day of Work
Monday was my first day in the new job. It was very interesting to be back in a Peet's as an employee rather than a customer. And it will be great to get back into the routine of being a barista and such.
Yes, I mentioned my employer's name. No I do not intend to slander them. I will not complain about work here, in such a way that even remotely might jeopardize my employment. I will probably have bad days at work, but details will not be revealed if they're employee related. And never names, duh. More details will be revealed if it was an unpleasant customer. But again, never names.
Second Day of Work
I had training up in the Menlo Park store yesterday, but I totally mis-calculated the drive time. I forgot about traffic, and how metering lights create traffic jams. So I got to the training a half-hour late, swung into the nearest parking space, and dashed inside. I recall seeing out of the corner of my eye a green X-hour parking sign, but didn't see how long. When I got in, my trainer said that the rule is 5 minutes late is okay, but anything after that they have to say "Nope sorry. Let's reschedule." I told him I've worked for Peet's for 3 years before, and since this class was uber-basic, he said it was okay for me to stay. So I got a refresher on how to brew coffee in the urn, how to brew tea by the pot, and so on. There was very little new material. On our break, I went out to check the sign I had parked near. It said "1-Hour parking". Crap. I'd already been there for one hour. There wasn't any other parking in sight, and I didn't really have time to drive around looking. So I said a quick prayer, and asked God to smite any meter maids that came along to chalk my tires. When the training was over, I hurried out to make sure my truck hadn't gotten towed, and thankfully it didn't. I did get chalked though, and had a ticket on my windshield. Considering the fear I was operating under (I wouldn't have a vehicle when I got out of training), a $35 parking ticket was a relief. Next Monday however, when I have my next training, I'm leaving wicked early, and I'm gonna cruise around looking for a decent place to park. Damn cities.
I drove back down to San Jose, picked up Ngoc and we went to get some lunch, and went to Barnes & Noble. We wandered around (who doesn't like wandering in a book store?) and I picked up a Moleskine for my Myst notes. We went to Fry's, and wandered around there. Looked at our desired Apple hardware, and I looked at some Network Hard drive enclosures. The external hard-drive product line (at least at Fry's) is pretty sad, and I figured I'd be better off doing what I'm doing, and running my Linux box as a file server. Since all those "NAS" (Network Attached Storage I think) seem to only do FTP. Lame. We came home, and promptly collapsed for a nap. We woke up a bit later, watched some Food Network, and I took her home. All in all, a nice day. :)
Mini-vacation
Which brings me to today. Since I'm in training still, I don't have another training class until next week. So I get a bit of a mini-vacation here. Unpaid, but I think its actually good for me to have a small break. It provides a separation between the two jobs, so one doesn't seem to just spill into the other. And that's all for now.

NP: Paperback Writer from the album "One" by The Beatles

Last days revisited

Today was my final day; and it was probably the hardest day I've worked there to date. This time I looked at things from the perspective of the person leaving (whereas before I was the incoming new guy). And its really hard.
It was the first day of my replacement, so there was this massive information transfer from me to him as we went over all sorts of stuff. I tried to impart as much knowledge as I could to him. It turned out okay. I think he got a lot of information, and he's very eager to learn more, so he'll play "sponge" for the first few weeks and soak up all sorts of information.
There was something else today that made it harder than all the others, and oddly enough, it was a feeling of leaving everything behind. As I reviewed how the build process works with my replacement, I saw things from the "other side of the fence" so to speak. And I saw all my contributions, and all the work I've put into it. I've grown used to it, and almost attached to it all, as much as I complain about it.
And the hardest thing of all is to leave the people I worked with. Two of the Linux guys took me out to lunch, and we sat around and shot the shit, and all that fun stuff. Everything grew so familiar, even though we all knew in the back of our minds its temporary. We build such close ties with our tech-mates. After all, we'd spend 40 hours a week together. And there's a real bond that gets developed; sharing "war" stories with each other. For example, one of the guys bought me a two-pound back of Beef Jerky sticks. He'd always keep a bag in his cubicle, and I'd usually stop by for a 11 o'clock snack.
I moved out of my computer, got the new guy all set up gave him my company cell phone, the cubicle keys, and all that stuff. Then I had no place to go.
All day I felt like just running. Leaving. Going. I didn't want to face the end. But I had to stay, because it was my job, right up until the end.
I don't really know what's going on in my head any more, but this is a hell of a lot harder than I ever imagined it to be.

More on the career idea

Yesterday, I emailed my management professor from college about this idea, and he replied today. He did remember me, and offered to meet for lunch some time in the coming weeks. It'll be great to talk with him about this idea, and see if I can actual carve out a real path to the goal.
In the meantime, I start at Peet's on Monday.
Hopefully I can grow this into something that has some tangible results and steps to it. Again, more to come when I learn more.

Corporate Cultural Analyst?

Today, I had an idea. As I was talking with one of the IT technicians at work, he was explaining how the corporate culture at this company doesn't foster free speech. In fact, its just the opposite. It often discourages speaking clearly and blatantly.
This statement got me thinking. And I realized that I find the culture of this company much more interesting than the work I do there. I've always been interested in watching people, and observing how they interact together. I've often said that if I could go through college again, I would major in Sociology.
But that statement is silly. I'm only 23; I still have the ability to go and learn and do what I want to.
So I think I'm going to look into some sort of Master's program in Sociology or something similar. If you know anything about the study and the field revolving around culture and human interaction, corporate or otherwise, let me know. I'd like to mind map out a network of people and organizations.
My thoughts are rather disorganized right now; its late, and I just figured this out today. More concise thoughts to come.

Weekend

Another Saturday is done. Ngoc and I took my truck in for an oil change and such, and we wandered around and did some window shopping for a game shop that would by my copy of Colin McRae 2005 for PC. Didn't find one, but we did enjoy spending some time together. Just wanted to post a quick one; I'm pretty tired now so I'm gonna sleep.

Hollywood Comic Movies

Hollywood has ruined yet another Marvel comic book (trailer), just like they destroyed X-Men, Daredevil, The Incredible Hulk, The Amazing Spiderman, and probably more I'm forgetting. When will the massacre end?!

Human encounters

Tonight at the gas station while I was filling up my truck, I had a very interesting encounter with someone. I was standing outside waiting for my tank to fill up, and I noticed another car pull up to the set of pumps across from me. Now normally this isn't an unusual thing to see at a gas station, but instead of getting out, the car pulled up enough so the I could see the driver between a couple of columns. I didn't take notice at all until I head him say "Hey I want to ask you something." And I must admit, when I saw the guy, the first thought that crossed my mind was "oh shit this guy's gonna pull a gun on me". This put me on high alert through the remainder of our conversation. The exchange went something like this (and to save you all the expense, no he did not pull a gun on me).

Him: "Hey, what time is it?"
Me, looking at my phone: "About ten o'clock."
Him: "Ten huh? Do you uh, know of any place open at this our that might sell, you know, one windshield wiper?"
Me: "Hmm, no I don't think so..."
Him: "Like a grocery store or something?"
Me: "Oh, well, there's a huge Albertson's down on Capitol Ave. that might. Do you know where Capitol is?"
Him: "Nah man, nah. I've had an incredible day."
I gave him directions to get to capitol, and where the Albertsons is.
Him: "Hey thanks man, have a nice life."
And he pulled away.
I said "you too" but I don't know if he heard me or not.

This rather raggy looking fellow had a car-full of stuff, and my guess is he had been driving for a long time. He was yawning while I was talking to him, and by the sound of things, he had quite a bit of driving to continue with. Now in retrospect I should've looked at his license plate to see which state he is from, but I was a bit too shocked to think about that in the moment.
Its moments like this that make you appreciate being alive. Such simple, human interactions are some of the most rewarding experiences I've had in life so far.
God's speed man, god's speed.

Summmer Rain

Today I went outside on one of my many trips back and forth between buildings, and was greeted by a very warm, very moist, very gentle rainfall. The smells brought back a wave of memories and feelings; most notably the feeling of being back in Massachusetts (the western portion of the state, more so than the eastern) as a kid and being in one of the very impressive thunderstorms, with lightning and everything. There is a very distinct smell that a summer rainfall has. Winter rain is cold, and you can feel the cold on your face, and in your bones. A summer rain is warm, and smells much stronger than a winter rain.
Its a very relaxing and calming smell, most probably because it takes me back to my childhood; in the same way that a crow's caw does.
So word of me leaving has spread around to most of my co-workers today, and I got a few similar comments. Most people were surprised at my choice of a new job; it seems that one doesn't just up and quit one career and start another. It doesn't seem too abnormal from my perspective, but obviously, its different from others. So I got a lot of "wait, you're going to Peet's? What's that?" and "you're going to be working in the store?". I gather the idea of me moving from corporate "tech" industry to retail food service is pretty hard to process. But of those I spoke with today all were very encouraging, and some gave some-what subtle hints about how they wouldn't mind doing the same thing, and that I'm lucky I'm young enough to do so. So I think my decision to leave the tech/IT industry is a good one, considering I think its a dying industry anyway. So I'm feeling more comfortable about leaving now that the key people are aware of it. The 13th is my last day, so I've got a couple more weeks. So much change happening at once can be overwhelming. But its all change for the better, so its okay.

NP: Men without hats - Pop Goes the World

Monday

Work
So today I had a realization at work. Every so often, of all the employee's we help on a daily basis, one of them is really appreciative of the work we do for them. Even though we're just doing our job.
I've now had this happen to my twice. Twice in eight months seems very rare, and I'll agree. But its a very nice feeling, and so twice in eight months goes a long way.
These are two isolated events. So these two customers both received new computers, and my task was to deliver the systems to their cubicle and set them up. Often times our customer will wander away to talk with someone while I'm sprawled on the floor, half of my body underneath the desk, wrapped in some awkward way around their existing computers. These two customers were different though. These two both wandered off, and came back with a cold beverage. One brought me an orange juice, and the other a Coke.
Sprawled under desks like that is very tiring work, and I usually end up with sweat dripping off my face. Granted I'm somewhat out of shape, but regardless, I think most people would break a sweat doing all this crawling and hauling of computers. So these cold beverages are more rewarding as you drink it while sweating. But more rewarding than the cool liquid and cold can to place against a hot forehead is the feeling of appreciation. Sure most customers say "thanks" for us setting up their computers, but most of them are too busy and so wrapped up in their work they don't have time to stop & think about what we did for them, and really give a genuine thank you. I hold no grudge against them for it. I'm used to working thankless jobs, and I don't mind. I prefer to be in the shadow, rather than the spotlight. But this small act of consideration, simply to say "that looks like tiring work. thanks" goes an incredibly long way. And just when you're beginning to think the whole world is falling apart, and people are growing dumber by the minute, someone goes and buys you a soda can on a hot day. And your perspective really changes.
I know most of my posts about work are always filled with bitching and moaning about stupid customers, but if you don't already, I suggest taking those posts with a grain of salt. I tend to become very expressive in my frustration. So I figured I should post a good post about work, to try to counter-act all the bad vibes.
After-work
It was hot, and Ngoc didn't want to stay at home, and I was feeling more or less the same way, so we decided to take a trip to Valley Fair & wander around the mall. We kinda looked for a picnic basket, but none of the snooty stores in the mall looked like they would sell a picnic basket; not unless it was made by some big-name snobby European designer. We stopped off in the Apple Store, drooled over the respective pieces of Apple hardware we each want (she over the 20" iMac, and me over the PowerMac, 23" LCD Cinema display, AirPort Extreme Base Station, Mac Mini, and iPod). And instead of going for broke, all I bought was some cleaner stuff to keep my existing Apple product looking shiny and sleek. One day I will own all the above mentioned dreams. And my home will be a haven to sleek Apple products and secure, easy to access wireless & wired points.

Weekend fun

Ngoc & I spend yesterday afternoon together doing some exploratory shopping. I want to get Birkenstocks, so we went to Beck's Shoes. I looked at the old style I used to have; I do think I want to get the same style. Price was a bit steep at Beck's, so I didn't get anything; we'll do a bit more shopping around. We walked around the mall a bit, got Gelato, looked around for a picnic basket (to no avail), stopped by the Apple Store and such. Its amazing how hard it is to find a picnic basket, though we do know a lot about picnic basket makers, and styles. We'll settle on one soon; fortunately we have similar tastes in what our ideal picnic basket is supposed to be. We ended up getting a few movies at Target, so we've got a large list of movies to watch in the coming month or two. It seems we've gotten into older movies lately. That sure does say something about the quality of today's films.
Today Ngoc stopped by for lunch before her babysitting, and we ate a little and watched a bit of the A's game. I puttered around the room, did my laundry, cleaned up a bit, and such. And that was my weekend. Another wonderful week is ahead...